Change

Change is defined as the act or instance of making or becoming different. The key words in the definition are "act" and "different". Act meaning to take action, or do something. Different meaning "not the same as another".

The act that brings about change is what I find myself struggling with more than the difference the change itself brings. I consider myself someone who can adapt to almost any situation or circumstance. These last few years of my life has brought about a change in me, some good and some bad. I have learned a lot about the different seasons of life, the different types of people and most importantly about myself.

The best word to describe the last few years of my life is Change. At 25, I had all that I thought I needed, a great job, a wonderful network of loved ones and the bliss derived from my job and loved ones.  I remember driving to work on my 25th birthday when I got pulled over for driving over the speed limit, and I pleaded with the officer not to give me a ticket on my birthday and he responded "Well ma'am if today is your birthday, then you get a ticket". I cried on my way to work that morning. It was at my 25th birthday, that my life took a pivotal turn and my change began. 

My change began with my comfort being torn apart. I was entering a season where I lost the comfort I had in my career, and in some of the people I loved the most. In this season was also when I drew closer to God. Drawing closer to God did not fix my problems, as I needed to be tested many times before I truly changed. I was tested by losing the wonderful jobs I had, losing friends, yes I said jobs and friends, meaning more than one. I struggled with the acts of losing my job, the fact that I cherished my job and I worked very hard in every position I held made it very difficult for me to accept that the job was no more. I also struggled with the act of losing friends because I held every close friend of mine dear to my heart.

The thing about change is that when it occurs, we often hope it makes us better, but what happens when it doesn't? I believe most of my change happened for the best, and made me better but I cant ignore the bad effects that my change had on me. Some of the good change came from me not finding comfort in my jobs or people. This was very difficult from me, as I kept holding on to past relationships and trying to return to old jobs. I made excuses that the people and jobs I lost were somehow attached to my future so I had to get them back, or keep them even when they were not meant to be kept. It took me being tested many times to fully surrender, let go and let God.

The day I finally decided let go of trying to keep those people and the jobs that wasn't meant to be kept was about 3 years after my 25th birthday. It took me three years to free myself from my comfort zone and trust that which I couldn't see. I no longer held on to those things and people in fear, but I finally found true happiness in my imperfection.

Although I eventually got my happy ending, I cant deny the effects the change process had on me. I battle between fear and faith. This is something that has been a struggle for me for the last few years. Fear usually tries to come in first and then faith comes in to re-assure me that he that is in me is greater than anything in the world. I am also working on building back up my self-confidence. Being ripped out of your comfort zone can really humble you to a fault, and I am constantly trying to find the balance between humility and being overly confident.

Because there is life, there is always going to be change. I can now embrace change and everything it comes with.

So as my 26th birthday is creeping up around the corner, I can't help but to think of what I have accomplished in the last 25 years. It would be easy for me to beat myself up about what I haven't accomplished and be sad or depressed about approaching 30 but I choose to reflect on the good. In an attempt to save time because yo gurl has accomplished alot (not to toot my own horn but....lol), I will shorten it to what I have accomplished in the last five years of my life. In the last five years I have made soo many mistakes, it makes no sense, but every mistake taught me a lesson. Some of the things I am glad to have accomplished are graduating from college with honors, learning how to love myself and others, working towards a career that I am  happy with, and getting closer to God. Other than my accomplishments, I think the most important aspect is what I have learned. Life lessons taught me alot these past five years. I learned how not to be selfish, how to let things and some people go, how to cope better with life's struggles and most importantly how to be PATIENT. I will go into further details about what I have learned so far in life, but I gotta go for now peeps....chat soon :)